I WAS OF NO VALUE

 
 

The idea of experimental films can often be problematic. Many of these sorts of films are so personal that they are inaccessible to the viewer. No clear ideas can be conveyed. We never wanted to make polemics, but we also did not want to make films that nobody could understand on levels that might lead them to think a bit differently about a topic of personal interest to us. I have problems to sort out. We all do. All of these films, in different ways, are about those problems.

My greatest problem has always been anxiety. I rarely left the house for most of my adult life. Then, years ago, I was given a 35mm film camera. I started to leave my house. I learned how to get well by going out into the world. These films are also about that.

There are, hopefully, pretty things to look at, and sounds that evoke an emotional response. Beyond that, any definition of what they mean is not possible. I want them to mean what you need them to mean, so you can feel better, even if it's just for a short while. Films and television were my friends for many years. They allowed me to be around people without really being around people. That is what these films are about, for me. I hope they mean something to you, but honestly, I set out each time to try my best to record how I was feeling on day X, and how I got through problem Y. It's always changing, and I will keep recording all of it.

There is a lot of nudity in our films. The easy reaction is to think we are pigs, etc. Nudity for no reason. Nudity for sales. The fact remains that our films with no nudity, literally have not sold a single copy. Not even a rental. This is a business, so surely inclusion of nudity is connected to that. I wish I could make films without feeling the need to include it, but at this point, we’d go out of business. The larger point, to me, is something my collaborator, Collibrina, said to me a number of times. “It’s just the body. There is nothing to feel ashamed of.” So, I don’t. I was raised Catholic. I was not taught about sex. I learned what I did through watching pornography. I had other things happen to me that stripped all enjoyment of sexuality from my life. That’s just how it is. I am old fashioned. A romantic. I have no interest in sex unless I might be able to truly love my partner. There is way more to it than that, but the point is, the nudity in our films is a way for me to be okay with a naked body. To not sexualize nudity by default, as many people do. To rush into sex… the romance fades and people have to actually deal with each other…we all know how that goes.

I am an optimist. I know how much film, television and music have shaped and, at times, saved my life. I hope our films can, if nothing else, bring you some level of comfort. That they will allow you to realize other people have the same fears and deeply rooted problems as you may have. These films are an attempt to convey through sound and picture how I got through some pretty bleak times. they are about How I learned to love life and not simply get through it.