i was raised catholic and taught nothing about sex or women. when i was young i was caught by my mother looking at a playboy in a drugstore. she yanked me out of the store and told me in the parking lot "looking at that magazine is a sin and you will go to hell if you do it again."
what i eventually learned about sex came from watching pornography produced in the 1980's. it was fucking. both the man and the woman seemed to be enjoying each other. now, the material produced is evermore grim and exploitative and strongly infers that violence and humiliation are sexy.
so, from that start i grew to hate sex and felt intense shame when i did anything sexual. the work here and in our films is a way to try to sort out all the distortions around something that should be not only natural, but possibly transcendent if you truly trust and love your partner. i still don't know if i'll ever get there, but i am documenting things as i go.
so if you do not understand what it truly means to be intimate, then that part of your life remains vacant. i never felt loved and certainly never thought i could ever love anyone else. maybe i never have, the way i would want to now. life felt like it was racing. on the other end of my days was an endless obsession with an intense focused fear of death. so my work consists of naked woman i do not know very well (same went for my intimate partners) to cemeteries and death markers. i suppose the hope is i might get around all of this by recording as much as i can with an honest and open mind.
our first film, "the porn eaters" is, for lack of a better term: a tone poem about sexual confusion, guilt and isolation from each other. tons of lonely people never seeming to meet other lonely people. the films use 4x5 film photographs and various digital and analog elements to make things that may seem cold a bit warmer. it was scored my mark robinson (unrest/4AD).
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