Religion and sex make me sad.

This film is about anxiety. What makes most of us anxious? Death tops the list. Dying alone soon after on the list. I feel bad for people who spend all their days searching for true love. Romantic love. A myth. Religion is mythology. It make me sad because religion made me a guild ridden nervous wreck. It led to my very enjoyable Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a host of other life limiting behaviors. I am an atheist. When I got organized religion and its very human spokespeople, I began to enjoy my life. I read a lot of cheap books on how to get better (the ones with the black magic marker stripe). One mentioned “magical thinking.” “the belief that one's ideas, thoughts, wishes, or actions can influence the course of events in the physical world. It is something people all over the globe engage in, and many religious and folk rituals center around it.” That sounded like me, before I got well. Only I my path led me to believe that nearly anything I thought or did could possibly, even on a molecular level, cause harm to people I loved, and as things got worse, to complete strangers. Let’s say I don’t want to return the shopping cart to the corral because it is pouring rain. The idea would appear that perhaps the cart would be blown by the wind and into the path of a moving vehicle, that swerves to miss it and runs someone over and kills them. I always returned the cart. Until I quit religion and all magical thinking, I had no hope of overcoming OCD and living a full life. Am I attacking religion in this film? No. I am only setting down with pictures and sound what it felt like it did to me.

Sex. Well, that was ruined by religion as well. It was never discussed in my home and I was taught nothing. What I learned was through pornographic films and my peers. Not a great place to learn about anything.

Do I hate romance? Yes. It’s more magical thinking. People run around looking for it. Don’t think much about having some kids, then reality hits. You have to be happy. Nobody else can fix you. I had to learn this as well.

Do I have any answers? No. Only for myself, but if any of this sounds familiar, then watch the film and see it brings any comfort or relief. That’s the goal with all of our films: to get you to feel something.

Technology is fantastic. We shooting a Blackmagic 4k cinema camera now. We could distribute digitally in 4k if we wanted. Since it’s been said that 70 percent of all internet use is currently accessed via smartphones, 4k seems pretty pointless. The reason we are thankful for technology as filmmakers is we can actually make films, our way, without kissing the ass of rich idiots to even get a meeting or a return phone call. Sure, we tried the Hollywood route. I wrote a script. We spent two years running around doing what a hedgefund billionaire (he was, I checked it out) told us to. Then he produce our film (raise money) : collect “letters of intent.” You get actors to sign a letter that says if we get the money raised the actor will do the film. This letter helps you get the money, so he told me. We sent off the package to his castle. Two years of hard work dealing with animals, and he called me and said “these people are not famous enough. I can’t help you.” I don’t burn many bridges, but I doused that fucking bridge with kersosene via a terse email.

We tracked down actors we grew up having a deep appreciation for. Curtis Armstrong was one who gave us a letter. He is brilliant and the role was written for him. We were over the moon when he gave us that letter. There were many other amazing actors on board. None of them famous enough for the billionaire. I guess he could have told me we needed Bruce Willis, not Curtis Armstrong (he was on Moonlighting too).

Another repellent rat I knew who ran a film festival in a big city told me that a film with local buzz was dreadful, but he let it into his festival because ticket sales would pay for the theater rental. Great.

We can make any film we want, how we want, and hope it makes you feel something. When you rely on animals with money to make a film, you can’t that. We tried. I want nothing more to do with that side of the business. It is in fact filled with animals.

Technical notes:

Stills produced with:

Kowa Six medium format camera

Graflex Crown Graphic 4x5 Press Camera

Schneider Kreuznach 4x5 lenses

It was scored by Mark Robinson formally of the band Unrest.